That is the question I have right now. I saw death tonight—I am sure of it. My mother saw it too. She got scared and said so. I stared into Moms' eyes all night long. I'm not sure what I am looking for. I am going through the same feelings I had during October 2005 when I returned home to New Orleans to examine our house. I am looking at my mother almost with academic inquiry--”what does death look like?” On the other hand, I know this “separatedness” keeps me stable while I am with her. I must not show sad emotion here—it is not the Japanese way.
I will read her the Bible tomorrow. If you know me very well, you know how much personal sacrifice this represents that I will go through to ease her journey. I understand the importance of ritual and culture here. It would be significantly important to me. “When I Die, You Better Second-Line.”
I really want to be there when she passes on. I want to be the last voice she hears, one that soothes her. Perhaps that is selfish—but I think that is my place in the Bushido order.